Talking Walls

I wrote these posts in the early morning of July 12, the day after my grandpa died. It's August now, weeks have sped by, life moves along. But every morning I get up, my first thought is often about my grandpa. Reminding myself that he's not there in Mountain View waiting for me.

I miss him so much.

I wasn't going to share these entries. They're really raw. But, here they are. They're memories worth keeping.

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His room is empty now.

The hospice bed is gone, his favorite mariachi CD that played till the end turned off. The fighting fish my cousin Marisa brought him is out in the living room. Photo frames and treasured keepsakes kept near him in his last days are making their way back to their old spots in the house. His clothes hang in the closet.

A room has never felt so empty and full at the same time to me. Memories fill the space. I'll never forget that night. The walls still reverberate with the voices of my family.

"Hon? Hon, can you hear me?"
"Can you hear me hon!?" she sobbed.

"Hon, I love you." Her accent thickened as she cried. "Don't leave me."

My aunt turned toward her. "Mom, you need to tell him it's okay to go. He needs to hear that."

My Aunt gently repeated her plea to my grandma. She cried and paused, "I can't say that."

"Then just keep talking to him, he can hear you, and tell him you love him...

Dad, we're all here with you. We love you. We want you to know you can go now. We're ready to let you go."

My grandma put her head down on to his chest.

"Hon, I love you! Thank you.. so much for everything!"

She began to sob again, "Hon, don't leave me!"

"Mom, mom, we have to let him go."

I moved toward her, put one hand on her and reached out with the other to hold his hand. "Grandpa, this is Nick... I... didn't leave, I'm still here with you. We're all here with you, together, and we'll be here as long as you need us to be...but we want you to know, whenever you are ready to go, we'll be here with you and you'll always be with us."

We can't quite say for sure when his final moment of life was. His breath became very shallow with long seconds in-between. At one point, we thought he had passed, and just when it seemed like everyone was about to break down at once, he took another breath and our would-be-sobs all came out as laughter. His last joke on us.

My grandma composed herself and with the help of my aunt, began to lead us in prayers, including some in Spanish, with a voice so strong, proud, and full of love. His breathes became so shallow, they were no longer noticeable. His heart slowly stopped beating, his pulse slowly faded, and with no struggle his spirit left his body.

As it happened, the mariachi CD began to play El Nino Perdido, a beautiful, haunting instrumental that I last heard on his birthday played by the mariachi band that came to his garden window. That song will forever bring tears to my eyes now.

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I said my goodbyes earlier in the afternoon. I was packed and ready to join the guys down in San Diego for Matt's bachelor party. The decision on whether to stay or leave was killing me, and I was leaving it until the last minute.

My mom was getting her hair done. My dad was at work. I was waiting for him to come home to take me to SFO. I walked into my grandpa's room. He was no longer opening his eyes or responding to anyone, but we assumed he could still hear us. An assortment of relatives surrounded him.

My cousin Lisa saw me and asked if I wanted some time with him alone. I said yes, but as everyone was leaving, I asked her to stay.

We both took a spot on either side of his bed. I put my hand on his.

"Grandpa, this is Nick."

"I'm...leaving in a bit." "But I'll be back in 36 hours. On Sunday. Today is Friday...."

I kept choking up. Each sentence was a struggle to get out...

"I hope you're still here when I get back, but I just want to say to you, how much I love you, how thankful I am to have you as my grandpa, how proud I am to be your grandson.

"You're one of the most important role models I'll ever have, you taught me what it means to be a good man, and you'll always be with me.

I love you.


Thank you."

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I didn't want to see them take the body out of the house. But I knew we all needed to be there for each other, for my grandma. I knelt down beside her as she sat in her chair. My grandpa's chair was moved away to make room for the men from the mortuary to take his body out of the house and through his garden for the last time.

She turned and saw the outline of his body beneath the velvet cloth and began to sob. "Oh no....I don't know how I'm going to live without him."

The aunts and uncles had all followed outside into the garden. For a moment, it felt like just me and my grandma. I held her hand tight and comforted her as best I could, and suddenly found myself surrounded by a tight circle of my cousins as they each placed a hand on my grandma.

I tried to calm her down, "Grandma, it's so hard, I know. It is for each of us. But he's still here, with you. He's inside each of us, he'll always be with us and will never leave us." She managed to smile, "I know, I know." and "but it's so hard." "Yes, yes, it is, it's very hard, but we're here for you, you won't ever be alone."

I looked up at the faces of my cousins surrounding me, and hoped what I was saying was bringing some comfort to all of us. Having them there was definitely helping me. I was trying to comfort her, but I was trying to calm myself too.

I slowly backed away once someone else took the lead in comforting her, and collapsed into my cousin Alicia's arms and broke down.

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Back to the present.

I realize now that seeing such a long and full life come to its end, at least in the way my grandpa passed, was in so many ways, a beautiful experience. Unbelievably sad, but every moment was filled with so much respect and compassion that it really felt like love transcended, overwhelmed, and redefined death.

When I look back on those days and weeks, they give me hope. Despite all the tears and sadness, they showed me how even at its end, in the darkest hours, life can be an amazing gift if it's filled with love. All the songs and words you hear about loss - about a person never truly leaving you if you carry them in your heart. You know, Celine Dion mushy stuff. They always sound cliche, I always wondered if they would ring true once I experienced loss first hand.

They do. At least for my grandpa. He will always stand as an example of a life well lived and he lives on in me and in everyone else who's life he touched.

Rest in peace Grandpa. Thank you for everything.