My grandparents are nearing the end of their lives. This has been something that's been very clear with my grandma, who hasn't been very healthy for a few years now. Her short-term memory is severely compromised and she rarely leaves her recliner other than to spend long spans of time in her restroom. Nevertheless, she's still with us and her personality, sense of humor and love for her family still there. So I don't mind so much that she constantly has to be reminded that I've graduated from school and am living in San Francisco.
In recent weeks, though, my grandpa, who's always been so strong...seemingly indestructible, has rapidly begun to fade due to the inevitable worsening of his prostate cancer. I feel like we've all been mentally preparing for this phase of our family's life, but the fact that it's finally here has been hard.
I'm slightly removed from all this in my San Francisco bubble. I've been going home more often, twice last week. My grandpa is currently recovering from chemo in bed - and hopefully he'll recover enough that we'll be able to bring him out of the house again during his remaining time....but the reality is he might not have even that.
Every trip to Mountain View to visit him is so bittersweet...he's so happy anytime he sees me, but then we're quickly faced with the very harsh reality of having to say a last goodbye. A goodbye to a man who's always been there for me, someone I truly admire and deeply love. Ever since I left home for school, he'd always say to me before I left, "If you need anything....just holler!"
He doesn't say that anymore.
I give him a hug, say "I love you, see you soon" and he says quietly, "I hope so, I love you too." And he gives me a kiss on the cheek, which he never did before...
But even in this moment of darkness, there are sometimes surprising bursts of light. My mom sent an e-mail to me and the family today recounting one that happened today and I just wanted to share it:
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"As you all know, there have been better times in our life as Sias children. And in the upcoming days, weeks, months they are not going to get any better. However, there are glimmer of old times still be found.
Here's one: Dad's in bed and Mom's in the rest room. She FINALLY gets out and heads to her room to change. Mark checks on her and asks "Emma are you OK?" She states yes, I have to change. I think "hmmm did she have an accident?" - and no, she didn't.
She finally comes out of the her bedroom. She has on a new blouse, put on some make-up and even put on some scented lotion. She has a determined look at her face when Becky and I ask - "Mom where are you going?" She answers - "I am going to see your father" - we say "No, he's in bed asleep". She states, "Well, I am his wife and I am your mother and I'm telling you that I am going to see your father."
Becky and I feel like we are little kids again, we look at each other - like we did something wrong and Becky says "OK - but only to say good night" - she says "Of course". So we follow her into the room, he hears her coming and is OK with the interruption.
She maneuvers her walker close to his bed and carefully, leans over and: "Oh my gosh, my parents made-out!"
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That is love.
That is hope.
That is what life is about.
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