This. Sucks.
How many times have I heard this in the past two months?
"So....
I hear you're getting...
...laid off?"
Then the inevitable questions are asked and the tedious responses start spilling out of my mouth:
"Yes. No. Well, maybe. I'm not sure. I'll find out soon. It's all very tentative. They gave notice two months ago. It's been hanging over my head much longer. It's all based on seniority. I have no seniority. Ugh, unions. The City is in a big budget mess. Things will get worse before they get better. It's pretty awful being there right now in this position. Demoralizing."
[and then, I think: oh no. I sound cynical. depressing. chipper up! chipper up!]
"No, no, they really want to keep me. They're trying very hard! There's a high demand for the kind of skills I have. Some money got added back to the budget. Yes, yes, I'm lucky to still even have a chance. I'll know by the end of the month.
[then the litany of encouragement begins from the person who asked me the question]
[it's so good they're trying so hard to keep you!]
I know.
[at least you've done so much great work already!]
I know.
[at least you have a chance of being saved!]
I know.
[your young and talented, it'll be fine]
Thanks.
And finally the conclusion where we both smile and agree that of course things will work out and of course I'll find a job, and of course, that in the end this is an opportunity and an opportunity to turn lemons into lemonade.
And if worse comes to worse, unemployment isn't that bad. [stilted laughter]
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I appreciate this conversation; I've long since had it with most of my close friends, and that's when it mattered most. But now, the only times I have it are with people I don't know well - acquaintances, extended family, and friends of friends who heard through the grapevine about my situation or asked the 2nd most common I-just-met-you-question: "where do you work?". So now I'm having it on an almost daily basis with these kinds of people - often when I'm out having fun trying to forget this crappy situation I'm in.
If my job situation was a medical condition it'd be something like this:
Two months ago the Doctor gave me two months to live with slim chances of an organ donor saving my life. Then, a couple weeks ago, they found a potential donor, and told me my life could be extended for another year as long the donor came through and no complications occurred. Longer if I'm lucky. So now we're stuck here waiting to see if that organ donation comes through. The best we can hope for is another year of uncertainty. But it's better than the alternative, right?
In the meantime, I sit in my cube - staring at my computer screen or the decorations I've pinned on to its gray walls. Working slowly on the last few assignments I have - because I'm not getting new ones until we know if I'll be here past June.
I know I should appreciate the fact that I've dodged the layoff bullet thus far and I've been given ample time to prepare for the worst. But living in job-limbo for two months has grown increasingly irritating, depressing, and frustrating. I'm sick of worrying and sick of having the "layoff" conversation time and time again. Getting myself out of bed and on the J-train to work grows harder every day.
I find myself wishing I was already unemployed. How ridiculous is that. I'd have little money, no benefits, but at least my purpose would be clear and my future would be in my own hands. Instead, I'm sitting here, trying to do what's left of my job, half heartedly planning for multiple scenarios, looking for jobs in a market that has none, all while trying in vain to not concern myself with the political mechanizations that will or will not determine the fate of my job.
I'm tired of waiting.
Because, as is often said, waiting is the hardest part.
The end of the month can't come soon enough.